Grandmother story

I always avoid writing something too personal in my blog. However, I remember someone telling me to write in my blog what I would say to myself. erh.. yeap.

if you're going to read on, be ready for some bad organization of thoughts, bad expressions, bad grammar.... *nod nod*

Grandmother's story
I met up with 4 of my hcjc friends on the 23rd Aug. I was happy to see them since I hardly spend any time with them in the past 2 years. They are friends I met during my first three months in hcjc, people whom I used to talk heart-to-heart with.

I think it's quite mushy to tell them in their faces (or perhaps they already know! hehe) that I like all of them very much! I think one of them used to have the idea that I was interested in him during our first three months in hcjc and that caused him to "run away" from me for a while. Hmm, I guess sometimes I do give people wrong ideas. Then again, I am frank when it comes to like/dislike. Everything shows on my face. I can't help it. =O)

Back then, I was sad that I had to leave hcjc because I didn't do well enough in my O'level. I felt that once I leave hcjc, I would lose all my friends and they will look down on me or I would feel inferior to them. Somehow that affected me a lot during my jc years. I could not open myself up to my nj classmates even when they tried to talk to me. I remembered that there was once when two of my nj classmates took me out for dinner because they felt that I was lonely. still I couldn't talk to them like how I would with my hcjc friends.

(erh...I understand that i'm not really illustrating any point here. but what i am trying to say is the hcjc friends i made during the three months in hcjc are very important people in my life. )

I don't think I am a nice person and I am not a person others can get close to easily. hence I feel so fortunate to have friends who are willing to stick by me even when I wasn't kind towards them. I remembered there was once when I felt so sad about a breakup that Weelillad came over to my place just to comfort me. I remembered there were times when I was quite desperate doing my computing and Sian came to my rescue. I remembered that when I was in need of tissue, Windz will always offer me. =O) and Ratherharmless is always online and ready to listen to me. While some of them don't really talk to me, I feel that our friendships run deep.

For instance, on the 23rd, when I asked them how my ex is doing, somehow the mood changed. I don't know if i was over sensitive but i felt that they were unwilling to tell me anything regarding my ex. It made me sad knowing that they're hiding things from me. I didn't know what to make of it. Interceptwind told me to trust my friends. That made me feel better... still, i decided to ask one of them, D (who doesn't keep a blog), why is it that he refused to tell me anything about my ex. He replied that he didn't want to say because he is concerned about me. =O)

This reminded me of how I was kept blissfully in the dark about my ex's new girlfriend. It seemed to me that my friends kept the news from me to avoid hurting me further. I only learnt of it almost a year later while chit-chatting with Interceptwind.

So far, it's been about 3 odd years since the break up. I think my friends know that I am still living in its shadow. And I think some of them know that I'm still feeling inferior to them... and that made them feel uncomfortable. No matter what, I am fortunate to have such great, wise, caring and sensitive friends around me. I hope I am not burdening them with my issues and I know they will tell me that I am not. =O) Nevertheless, I want to assure them that I understand that it is meaningless to harp on the past. I will move on somewhat. =O)