While defragmenting hard disk

it's taking very long... I wanted to post some pictures.. but my hard disk is defragmenting =O(

so here's something i want to share...

I remember that when i was in secondary three, my chinese teacher once said that when a person grows older, he/she will start to look at obituaries in the papers. She said that she didn't used to look at them 'cos it was kind of mobid. but somehow, when one grows older and has little time to catch up with friends, you'd want to know whether they are still alive.

I guess, part of the significance of reaching the age of 21 is that you begin to see people leaving you for heaven. Just this year.. I've seen several like an ex classmate, and 2 fathers of my friends. To add on, today i heard from my ex class rep that my secondary 2 chinese teacher has passed on. She found out from the straits times obituary.

It's depressing. I feel scared when i hear news like this. It always reminds me that life is so full of uncertainty, so vulnerable. I also feel scared for the people closest to those who passed on. I know i would definitely not be as brave as any of them.

I feel that many things are out of my control.I'm powerless. don't you feel that way?

When i attend wakes, i see the family smiling and entertaining guests to their best ability. it makes me sad. i don't mean that i want to see them cry uncontrollably... but i feel that the presence of guests make them even more miserable cos they have to "smile" even though their hearts are so so bitter. I feel that if i'm in their shoes, i probably wouldn't want to see anyone.

Probably i'm going for another wake tomorrow. My secondary school chinese teacher is a very tolerant man. I remembered that i was so unattentive in class and was not a satisfactory chinese rep to him, yet he never once reprimanded me. I gave him nickname too, so much so that i don't even remember his real name now. i call him by his nick, came up with nasty stories about him, and i laugh at him with my friends. When i think of all these things that i did, i feel like crying - there's nothing i can do to make up for what i did now.