Update

For the past weeks (or months), I've been kind of busy with projects, exams and animes. This term, I'm quite scared of taking on the big portions of projects (unless i am forced to). Feel kind of lazy and sian. i rather watch 大长今 and anime than to look at project reports. hehe

I haven't told many of my friends about this. My maternal grandpa passed away a few weeks ago. It was sudden. None of my family members expected this since my grandpa has always been a healthy old man. It was traumatic for me as i was rather close to him. He passed away 2 days from his admission to the hospital which was just a week before my exam. I was at his deathbed at the hospital. My heart ached seeing him lying so still on the bed. I can't believe that my grandpa left me but I was so coward that i didn't dare touch him. I stood by the bed and cried uncontrollably for a while before i realised what i was doing. I don't know if you understand how I felt.

The funeral lasted about 4 days. I was there everyday mainly to burn incense paper beside my grandpa. there are so many customs in a funeral to follow. these customs keep everyone busy and help alleviate the pain since everyone seems to be doing something for my grandpa and have lesser time for the mind to wander.

on the last day of the funernal, my family hired 2 bands, some flower girls and two dancing dolls (大头娃娃）. I'm sure those of you who have seen how a taoist funeral is like would understand how noisy a funeral can be. I found it amazing that the voice in my mind can be so much louder than the deafening sound of funeral bands. No matter how loud the band is, i could still hear a voice inside me that keeps calling out to my grandpa. It was worst when i had to knee beside the coffin and listen to the cries of my mum and aunties. i had to keep myself from crying since i had to comfort my mum and give her whatever emotional support i could.

throughout the funeral, i was comforted by my elder bro. i'm not particularly close to him to cry in front of him. but when i brokedown in a corner of the bus and at the crematorium, he was there for me.

I guess i always misunderstood my grandpa. I thought he doesn't like me to go into accountancy since he always wanted me to be a gynea. he complained to me about me and accountancy some time ago too. however, when i was talking to his friends at the funeral, i learnt that my grandpa was actually proud of me. he would boast to them how smart i was (even though i think i'm as smart as he described). Still i felt really happy knowing that he mentioned me to his friends since i'm only his grand-daughter(not a son, not a grandson, not even a daughter of his sons).

I don't know if you believe in 七日回魂 (return of the deceased's soul on the 7th day). I didn't used to believe in it and i didn't pay much attention to it either. but on the 6th night, i had a "dream" that my grandpa visited me in my bedroom. he didn't say anything to me, but i greeted him. i remembered that i got off the bed and knelt beside the bed for a while before going back to sleep. See, i thought that if the 七日回魂 is true, then he should return on the 7th night. however, i didn't know that the 7th day starts after midnight on the 6th night. I only learnt of proper day-counting when i discussed the weird dream with my mum few days after the 七日回魂. At first i thought i had a weird dream, but after counting the days proper, i realised that it was actually a visit from my grandpa.

hmm... it's kind of scary to think about 七日回魂. but when it actually happens, it's nothing scary at all. afterall, he is my own grandpa.

anyway, hope you don't find this entry mobid. =O)