ranting

I've been rushing projects and presentations for the past few weeks at the expense of sleep and my own free time. I've been sleeping at 4am consistently for at least the past three days, been eating lunch and dinner at least 3 hours past my usual lunch and dinner time (12noon and 5.30pm). in another words, i haven't been taking care of myself. So my weight dropped again.

But why are my pants still so tight?

anyway, i still have 2 presentations next thursday before i can settle down to study for end of term quiz and exam.

Have i mentioned that i've got better with crapping during presentations? i hardly ever tried presenting without a script. but just now, i was crapping instinctively because my team was running short of time and prof kept waving "5 min", "1 min" etc.... he was so mean to the last presenter (me!). I panicked but my team mate said that i didn't look panicky. thankfully.

Prof had a smile on his face. don't know how to interpret that smile, i just returned him with my silly grin.

he's married. With a baby.

-nod-

I read Wee and Windz's blogs before writing this entry.

I kind of felt emotionally vulnerable reading Windz's blog. his chinese writing skill is so 出神入化 that i was totally led by the nose into his love-love stories. I felt a sense of sadness and regret reading those stories. not sure how to explain this mixed feelings. Its troubling enough that i don't even understand how i feel these days. That's why, i stay away from love-love stories. Somehow, life is more livable when it is filled with deadlines because there's no space for straying thoughts.

There's a course in my school called "Abnormal Psychology". I was so tempted to take it because i want to learn about myself. Duane kept teasing me because i caught onto the tendency to watch movies alone recently. but i guess, watching movie is a very personal activity, like swimming, reading, watching animes. or maybe i have some complicated psychological complex that needs further analysis. I have a tendency to think better and work better when i'm on my own. i like it when i can take time to do what i like and do best. of course, no one can create time (YES! so why do people say that they can make time? it's always a trade-off, isn't it?).

so i've been doing my favourite things at the expense of other people...e.g. i disturb my mum & dad less, i give slow response on msn, i don't join my gfs for gym, contacted most people less and less... basically, project mates should see most of me apart from my parents. therefore, 人际关系 sure take a bad hit.

Have you watched the movie "Click"? it's a super great show that reminded me of what it means to be living. I'm not sure how i've become more appreciative of life and people after watching the show, but i try to make sure that i'm not stingy on the "thank you"s, "sorry"s and i try to reduce the number of "sorry"s and have more "thank you"s and i try as best as i can to deliver my promise. I don't give out promises easily these days too.

I'm not sure if my theory on 人际关系 is a good one. prob Jack will have a better version. I just feel that it is impossible to be on everyone's radar, to have everyone like you, to have them treat you as well, if not better than the way you treat them... unless of course, those people understand you or are simply good samaritans (like Windz). =O)

There are many days when i feel i do the wrong things like ...
ask stupid questions in class,
panic and give stupid answers during presentations,
behave very un-glam when i struggle to carry laptop, bag, water bottle when i take the bus,
wear old-worn out tees to school,
carry unmatching (red) jacket and (blue) computer sleeve when i wear yellow blouse,
messy hair,
unable to answer strangers' very simple question because i'm blur,

there are many days when i feel that things around me are wrong because...
classmates ignore the question i asked them,
no one walks beside me during break time,
no one sits beside me in class,
friends forgot to leave a seat for me in class,
prof didn't bother to look at me in class,
strangers look at me from head to toe when i did nothing to attract the attention,
groups of people laughing or smiling when i walk past them,
i don't know how to do my work and no one else seems to know either and prof is unhelpful,
microsoft words keep hanging when i type my report,
... so so many...and sometimes thinking too much of those things makes me a sad person.

but i guess all these are part and parcel of life ba. Sometimes it is a matter of getting used to things and feeling comfortable with yourself instead of questioning why certain people reacted certain ways to you. sometimes people just have bad days or sometimes luck is just not on ur side.

like Jack said, we should try to evaluates ourselve based on how we see ourselves instead of how others see us.


I don't expect anyone to read this. afterall, i'm a more "talkative" person literally than verbally. (I tend to write too much for my own good). Just thought of sharing this with whoever survived to the end: While typing this entry in class when everyone else is doing their presentation, i took a self-declared break to help a hopelessly good looking person i know in 2003. it's so hard to wipe the grin off my face. whaha