Parallel Vision

when i look at this picture that i ripped off visualparadox.com, i realized that my eyes move right to the top-centre of the picture naturally. This is what i supposed photographers call leading lines. Leading lines tend to guide our vision towards a point where the lines converge.

somehow i feel that in the recent years, i've been leading my life with "leading lines" in mind. it seems that i have a pair of parallel lines converging at "excellent academic performance". Because of that, i've been rather obsessed with my studies especially in the last 2 terms in school. I never knew i could experience emotional roller coaster ride because of a slightly less than average grade or a slightly above average grade. so stupid!

everyone says that "who's going to look at your academic performance when you start work?" "are you going to remember what grade you get in 5 year's time?" then why is everyone so eager to perform well academically? then why is it that the school wants to give "honours"? just let everyone set off their life's journey on equal footing, why not?

it makes me angry just thinking about how the system and what those system-makers say are total opposites. Yes, they have a greater emphasis on CCA. but people STILL look at grades more than CCA. CCA is merely a compliment!

few entries back, i wrote about personality disorder. the "result" that i posted is quite uninformative to me cos i don't even plan to see a doctor. ha, so what if i'm high on many aspects of disorder?

obsessive compulsive


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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i think this test is much better. and i think it truely reflects my current state of personality.

so, like just any (inquisitive) human, i want to know why i am like this. so i guess i'm like this because i have a parallel vision! ha... sounds a bit cliche. but it is true. i look a little bit too far ahead and i don't quite appreciate what i have now. i'm not even living the moment. i slog so hard for an unknown future which i believe will be a good one because of my current hardwork. i do that also because i lose faith in people, i don't see the point of having fun with people when they will leave me eventually in the end... leave in the sense that they will not even bother if i'm dead or alive. but i guess i am a little wrong in that i'm not even having "fun" along the way. i remembered in primary school, i was quite the centre of attention in a positive aspect, i was so close of many of my classmates and we always have outings together. they are still my friends now because we were so close back then. it gives me a sense of belongingness just thinking about our friendships. but now, i don't see myself having such friendships after graduation. friendships are so fragile partly because i don't spend time and energy to nurture any. so how would i feel about friendships in the future? probably i would be even more bitter about it and blame it on my friends simply because i lose yet more faith in people. it's like a self-fulfilling prohecy. and would my academic excellence more than offset that kind of bitterness?

so logically the next step to do is to stop what i think is wrong now. how?

just like anyone, when a person is caught in a situation, a person cannot look at or act on it objectively. so what if i sort of know about it? i can't make myself care more about people around me cos i simply can't. (------> i know its a circular reference) i find it difficult to stop what i've been believing in so that i can bring myself closer to people around me. what is stopping me? fear.. that my academic performance will be compromised because i spend less time and energy on my schoolwork as compared to the past. ultimately, i am responsible for myself, friends are not responsible for my grades...

besides, i tried putting less emphasis on my grades in year 1. i wasn't so eager about getting good grades because i thought that tertiery education is unlike national exam. who cares if i do less well? then, i get people telling things like i am a scholar, i have to perform well, put my heart and soul into my studies so that i won't let my sponsors down. argh... i know its true. but... i just wanted to relax. at first i just took note of it, but i didn't think i need to act on it. then, things changed after the school sent me a letter saying that i performed below expectation.

i just feel that i am not in control of my life. i live under the expectations of people... because? i am a poor scholar!

don't know lah... i feel so misunderstood. if others are in my shoes what would they do??? huh? they can think that i am now so cold, so detached... so snorty... just because i don't quite talk to them or take the effort to make friends... but can they take this idea futher? when one has friends, one has to spend time building up friendship. time is what i lack. i don't want to end up feeling guilty towards so many friends. if i make friends, i will make sure those friends are not just acquaintances. acquaintances are nothing to me. i rather not have them. i believe in friends who can open their hearts and share their thoughts. not friends who jsut talk about tv programmes, shopping, gossips.

i sense that i'm getting a bit bitter. shall stop right here.