More on international exchange

Today is one of the rare days that i manage to wake up before 8am. Somehow, my body clock chose to listen to me last night when i told it to wake up early for breakfast at the food centre. Even though i'm a from a middle-low income family in Singapore, i hardly go to the food centre at the market anymore. My mum has been pampering me too much during my holiday with good food and little household chores. Actually my dad too. Both of them fear that my hands may break if i carry excessively heavy things: a small bag of pork ribs, 2 small packets of vegetable, 1 kg of prawns and 2 fish. To think that i was able to do many push-ups during my secondary school days, to think i was one of the few who score well for incline flex arm hang in the annual fitness test and to think i used to carry 10 kg of rice for my family during that same period of time, i'm no longer as tough as i used to be.

Sometimes i wonder if people can grow "soft." Ever since i broke up with my ex-bf, somehow everyone around me seems to treat me like a vulnerable person. They become more gentle to me than they used to be. Of course i am fortunate to be surrounded by nice people, but at times i feel that i'm too comfortable living among them. For a long period of time, i hardly experience any rejection from people around me. I always manage to get what i want in one way or another. It's like, everyone gives way to me...

Isn't it a little scary.

Sometimes i feel that i take people around me for granted. I feel impatient if they don't give me what i want fast enough. i feel angry for every little things that don't go my way. eventually, others have to make things right for me. i'm so spoilt.

I don't usually reflect on myself. Probably its due to the exchange programme that i'm planning to apply for. I'm quite firm on the idea of going to HKUST 'cos China doesn't seem a likeable place. while going to HKUST, i may have a chance to readjust my expectations and come to accept China as itself. However, my problem now is ... is that i wonder if i will be able to survive on my own out there. I read about seniors' review on their international exchange. many of them went alone and they were happy going there on their own. How courageous! but when i think about going HKUST alone, i feel so insecure. As i tell myself that probably i should not go, i know that i should not allow myself to stay in the comfort zone for too long.

my bf wants me to do something that i'm comfortable with 'cos he thinks i always end up forcing myself to do things that i dislike. Even though i'm pretty good at doing even the things i dislike, i'm never really satisfied with myself.

when i look at my friends around me, i see many of them going overseas to study, some came from other countries and left for UK, US..etc... i don't know if they experience the fears as i do. but i guess my friends are much stronger than me.

Right now, besides considering whether i want to subject myself to feeling upset about leaving Singapore for 3-4mths, i'm wondering if going on the exchange would make me happier or more satisfied. would the happiness or the satisfaction (that may not even be realised) enough to motivate me to go on the exchange?

(Before i can go, i have to convince the school that i'm a good ambassador to be sent to HKUST. i can't let them know of my current state. anyway, i doubt anyone in school will know 'cos it seems that i give many people an impression that i-have-everything-under-control =O))


*side note: i didn't plan to write about these. i wanted to write about what i saw at the market while i was having my breakfast.. but somehow i digressed from my intent.*