孤独

Few nights ago, I had a chat with my bf. As you can probably guess, we're having some problems with each other.

I assume that many people who know me personally have no idea how my relationship goes. Sometimes i wonder if it's because i didn't bother to say much, or people don't care. Or is it that i didn't show off my sadness to arouse any concern.

Maybe I always appear so aloof that people don't feel that i need concern. Anyway, i hardly show them any. I find it hard to ask them for any too.

I'm not going to bitch about my relationship. I just want to say that I'm feeling lonely.

...
My bf said that I pushed myself too hard, and i'm always trying to prove myself. He said that I have a set of rules which I live by and I impose those rules on people around me. It makes me intolerant of people who make mistakes, or people who are not up to my expectations. It also makes me see the bad in all good situations.

I agree with what he said about my chracter flaws. But i think I am who I am now, holding a scholarship, studying in a university, had my past achievements etc because of how I've been conditioning myself. Since young, I always wanted to prove to my parents and relatives that i am better than my elder brother/male cousins. Girls are as good as, or if not, better than boys. In school, I want to prove that even though my English grade is bad, my Chinese will more than enough make up for it. Eventually I would do as well as those who come from an English background. If I don't understand a subject, I can read over and over many times until I become satisfied that I would not be stumped by any questions from discouraging teachers. In red cross, my school seniors thought that I was lousy by their standards, but i shut their trap by earning the best cadet award from the HQ. When I broke up half a year before A levels, I forced myself to study so that i would not be an overall failure. When I worked after A levels, my mentor thought that I couldn't do even the simplest office job, in the end, I worked faster and better than anyone in my sector. Now, i am trying very hard to be worthy of a scholar.

Even though I've protected my pride by doing all those things, I don't feel happy. I did all those either at my own expense or at others expense. I psycho myself so hard that i feel miserable. I become intolerant of people who are slowing me down or attempting to spoil my plan. Sometimes, I ended up pushing them as hard as I push myself. I make myself lonely because I become hostile towards the people I try to prove wrong or the people I work with. While at the same time, those are the people I want approval/assistance from, they are the people I care for. I thought I would be happy when i achieve my goals, but none of them share the victory with me. It's so ironic.

All these made me unsatisfied with whatever I am doing with my life. I seem to be doing what I am doing for the wrong reasons - trying to prove people wrong, trying to get people's approval, trying to preserve what good others think of me...etc - what about myself? Besides others' approval of me, isn't there anything else that can make me happy?

I know i am not alone in these acts. I know there are many people out there who are like me, feeling unsatisfied with life, seeing negativity in all circumstances, experiencing stresses and pressures from school/work/family, paranoia, vulnerability etc...probably these are dark feelings that they admit only to themselves or people close to them. Or maybe they are still still unaware of what's causing these unhappiness or they can't help themselves.

This is the reason why I'm keeping friends at a distance. I understand that 距离是美丽的，I also understand what is 因了解而分开. Probably that's why some of my close friends left me over these years. probably that's why fail as a gf.